I agree with what you’re saying!

I wanted to keep my surname but my name would have been long. Hema is what everyone knows me by but the name on my birth certificate is Thamwati. My name would have been Thamwati Harrymungal-Bedasie. I so wanted to be Mrs. Bedasie but wish I didn’t have to give up my name in the process and I thought by keeping my surname my entire name would just be too long.

I guess you’re sort of a feminist like me huh? I don’t bash men or anything, I just think that both sexes are equal.

I think that both men and women should share the housework and that things like cooking, laundry etc. are not for women only.

If I ask my husband to help me in the kitchen he will help.

I think lots of people think that men don’t need to learn how to cook because when they get a wife she will “take care” of them.

If I was a housewife I probably would not ask my husband to help me as much as I do right now but when both spouses are working they should both help around the house I think.

When I got married I used to get up early every morning and cook. Sometimes my husband would help me. Anyway he realized that getting up early to cook was a big hassle and he stopped me from doing it. I don’t know what people might think but my husband says that as long as he is happy that’s all that matters.

It’s such a shame that people will even use religion to discriminate as well. I am Hindu and there are Hindu people in my country, including women who will say that women cannot read aloud from religious texts to a public gathering of people, LOL. I wonder if they know that some of the Rishis who recorded the Vedas were women and that the Vedas were given directly from God…and included in the Vedas is a verse saying, “I give these hymns equally to the men and to the women.” Some people will even say that when a woman is menstruating she cannot perform any of the sacred rituals. By the way, I am more spiritual than religious and do not even do much rituals anyway.

Sorry this message is so long. I was kind of on a roll there, LOL.

She leaves her folks, accepts and becomes part of his family, takes on his first name as her middle name and his last name too

I don’t see the need for this at all!

Men wouldn’t take on our name if asked or would they?

I was considering not changing my name but finally decided to – two years after marriage.

I think that only when one changes one’s name, she can be called Mrs. – I think?

Plus, when we have children, I would like us to all have the same name.

Besides that (and that was just my preference), I do not see any important reason to change one’s name.

I think it’s one-sided that only the woman has to change her name.

Plus…you seem to be Indian right? Indian people have this mentality that a girl leaves her parents when she gets married and must live at her in-laws home with her husband, LOL. (not really a laughing matter though) o_o

Marriage is an significant cultural institution – but in this country – it also has many important legal and financial implications as well.

If people get married purely for the sake of the legal and financial benefits – then there seems to be little point in changing a name.

If marriage is purely just for declaring ones love and commitment for each other, and to share your lives with one another – well, then I don’t think there is no real reason to even get married – other than to participate in a cultural norm.

In Indian Culture – and in British culture – the woman changing her name has been part of this norm. And broadly – I think this has made sense historically. Traditionally – after marriage – it is the woman who ends up leaving her family – and joining the family of her husband. And given that – it seems to make sense that she takes the family name of the family that she has joined.

Of course – it would make much less sense in other cultures (as described above) where the husband joins the wife’s family.

However – given the culture of the modern British Indian – where married couples typically live independently of both sets of parents, or are often indifferent between which set of parents they live with – the question of name becomes a lot more interesting.

Personally – I don’t think a name is very important – for me it is just about identifying someone. And as such – I wouldn’t have too many qualms about changing my name when I get married – but given my girlfriend for five and a half years is also a Shah – I don’t think either of us will have this problem.

However – given the high rate of divorce and the conflict between individualism promoted by society and sharing within families – some literature on economics (freakanomics style)suggest that whether or not a name is changed may be an important signal of the probability of divorce.

The argument is as follows.

In reality – the two reasons for marriage (written above – legal/financial and cultural) are intertwined. A verbal commitment to be with someone forever has not much real value – and marriage is a way to put your money where your mouth is.

Much of the reason why marriage becomes such an important commitment mechanism is because it makes breaking up so costly. The wedding is typically an expensive celebration – and doesn’t make sense if you anticipate you will end it soon. A legal commitment for assets to be shared means that breaking up (i.e. the divorce process) is expensive and complicated. There is also the cultural shame of having to break up.

Changing a name is typically one of these costs for the woman. It is an expensive and irritating process – and also tends to cause lots of complications when fillling out forms in the future etc. It makes absolutely no sense if you think you might break up in the future and will have to spend your time changing everything back to your maiden name.

And if you look at the data (I can’t remember where I read it), women who do not change their surnames after marriage are twice as likely to get divorced than those that do.

Of course – it is much more likely that a woman does not change her name if she is in business or works in an area where reputation matters (i.e.t he cost of changing a name may be much higher) – but being in that business or area of work is likley to be associated with an increase in divorce as it may put a higher strain on the marriage.

However – I guess the principle remains the same – being attached to what your own (even if it is your name, or for perfectly good reasons) when you are in a relationship where you are supposed to share everything – probably isn’t such a great thing for the marriage itself.

Given my new paternalistic libertarian approach to making decisions – if my wife chooses not to change her surname – i would be most comfortable knowing that she would be willing to change if I really wanted her to – and not because she would refuse to do so.

Thanks for the comment though Anil : )

Hope this will cheer you up