Is me forgiving someone dependent on them going through a crisis?

by Heena Modi on April 12, 2017

Something happened to me recently. A series of events made me realise that my compassion for others shouldn’t depend on them going through a crisis of some sort!

Here’s what he did to ME!

So we moved home, and the following is a brief description of what happened within a few days of us moving!

  • he left lots of his belongings in the communal areas, which cost time and money to get removed
  • we nearly flooded the kitchen because the washing machine was broken
  • Suraj had to spend ages draining the washing machine
  • we had to have the washing machine replaced
  • I opened the dishwasher and the air filled with spores of mould
  • after several attempts to clean the dishwasher, we realised it was beyond repair
  • the code he gave us for the alarm was wrong
  • through fear of the alarm playing up and disturbing our new neighbours while we were away, we called a specialist to help us re-set the code and ensure the alarm was in working order
  • he didn’t handover all the keys after completion, so we got the locks changed
  • he left a TV bracket on the wall with lots of cables sticking out of it
  • the valves on the towel rails didn’t work and needed replacing
  • we moved the the wall thermostat, because where it was, resulted in one room being warm while the rest of the flat was cold

I blamed him and was livid!

I was so angry with him for giving us our new home in this state. All of the things above, plus others, as well as, having to find and deal with various contractors to remedy the situation made me so cross! I felt a lot of negativity and I didn’t think that anything would be able to remove it!

What changed?

I found out that both of his parents had died within one year or so, and that he had taken it very badly. I also heard that he had struggled with mental health issues for some time, and there was a list of things that had happened between him and other neighbours. Thus it wasn’t personal!

I don’t think I was aware that I thought it was personal, but I clearly did; because when I realised that others had endured negative experiences as a result of some kind of interaction with him, I felt a little relieved. I guess that told me that he was just like that, and that we weren’t a special target!

After finding out about his emotional struggles, I felt bad and hoped that he was well and cared for, wherever he was now. What a shift!

This made me wonder if me forgiving someone depended on them going through some sort of trauma. How ridiculous right? However, it is exactly that, which caused the shift in the way I saw him!

In the future, I’ll try and remember the follolwing, when I experience something that I feel I don’t deserve

  • Remember that life is sending me the boomerang, which I threw myself! I just don’t remember throwing it!
  • Focus on the fact that he/she is going through their own battle whether I can see it or not
  • Zoom in on what I have to be grateful for
  • Try and imagine how it could be worse, in order to see that it really isn’t that bad
  • Remember that I don’t behave in the best possible way all the time, so I should cut others some slack

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