I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now. Although I’ve had discussions about this ‘confusion’ before, I’ve not been enthused to write about it until now. Something’s different for me. Thus I’m sharing it with you and hoping that you will share your thoughts after reading this post.

From the horses mouth (the mouths of some men)

• Men are good at single tasking.
• They are skilled at focusing on one task and doing it well.
• Multi tasking is not for them.

Why is this an issue?

Well for many reasons women were introduced to work. Men went to war & women stepped up to take on previously, ‘non women’ roles. Equal rights for men and women meant women could expect equality in all its forms including pay. Increases in the standard of living and individual expectations has resulted in families ‘needing’ dual incomes. Mobility in work has had an impact on wages & what time workers leave and return home. I could go on but I wont! This post is about the ‘now’ not how we got here.

So we’re now in a position where many men and women assume, expect & demand an education that goes beyond 18. What’s the point of having the qualification if you can’t make a career of it, right? So everything else takes a back seat while we educate, build a career, aim for a promotion or two & get a higher, more ‘comfortable’ wage. Whilst all this is going on some people will be saving and possibly investing in property which they may rent out or live in. Thus having an extra income, a pad of their own. Independence perhaps.

THEN comes the idea of finding a partner, possibly getting married and/or having kids, buying a home together and so on.

However, the years of changes mean that women have been forced to become self sufficient as they are no longer ‘kept’ by their fathers or older brothers. I wont use this space to debate whether that was ever true, if that’s OK. For this post, can we just accept that someone ‘kept’ them until these changes took place? However, NOW their life is their own and they can and do make their own decisions. There’s much more freedom, expectations of women have changed, expectations of mothers and fathers have altered dramatically and the norm is no longer what it used to be!

As a result, ‘the woman’ has enjoyed and earned a life which has been rich with choice & independence; it’s been empowering and so much more.

When these women meet a man who fulfils their needs they will want to compromise without regressing. A partnership means you work at things jointly. You share. Right?

This would mean that, if the dual income is necessary, both partners will be working. Can you then expect the ‘woman’ to come home and cook, clean, maintain the home; any more than you expect the ‘man’ to?

This is where it gets interesting!

I know men who have ‘lived out’ but haven’t really!

They’ve gone to the family home for dinner each night, unless they’re going out!

Clothes to be washed are taken to the family home.

Their flat is not cleaned OR they pay a cleaner to do it.

Food shopping isn’t necessary as they don’t cook.

Are you seeing the picture? They’re not independent at all!

So what’s the actual point of having that property to live in then? Something else, I don’t think we can get into here!

So let’s get back to the scenario where a couple have moved in together. They both ‘need’ to work. Thus they both need to do the tasks in the home.

The men I know say that they’re no good at doing all that stuff. They can focus on bread winning and only that. If that’s the case; they now need to earn enough so that the ‘couple’ feel comfortable, rather than, restrained or trapped; so that the woman can reduce her hours or stop working. She, if willing, can then cook, clean, raise the kids if they choose to have any, maintain relationships with family and mutual friends, organise socials with them, keep track of what’s needed in the home, shop for it and so on.

If this isn’t possible and both of them need to work; surely it’s fair for both people in the relationship to look at the ‘tasks’ that need doing and split them between them. The key here is to make sure that what they take on plays on their strengths.

When the situation doesn’t favour either party; because we are so sure of what we want; people are quicker than before, to make changes and move on if it doesn’t pan out. Is that fair to say or do you disagree?

The knock on affect of this is that men and women alike are aware of this trend so the flat that they own becomes a place to go if things don’t work out. The income is needed in case their relationship doesn’t work out. One guy told me it’s all an insurance policy to make sure we don’t get left high and dry.

What do you think?

Are we more cynical and as a result, putting structures in place so that we have ‘an insurance policy’ in case things don’t work out? Are we more greedy? More demanding? Less giving? Less tolerant? More confident? More assertive?

I read this quote recently. It sat with me so much that, I saved it so that I could write about it later.

A ‘No’ uttered with the deepest conviction is better & greater than a ‘Yes’, merely uttered to please; or worse, to avoid trouble – M Gandhi

I know that for many people, saying ‘No’ is not easy. At work, with friends, family and in other contexts.

We don’t want to let others down,
We want to be respected,
We want others to feel that we can help & perhaps even save them.

But what happens when one say ‘Yes’ but doesn’t deliver?

A one off may be forgiven and even forgotten but someone who repeatedly says ‘Yes’ but means or delivers a ‘No’ wont be respected or liked.

Will they?

Do you have different thoughts about this?

Here’s a few made up scenarios which will hopefully enable you to relate to the examples. The dilemmas.

1.) He doesn’t want to have any more kids. He told her they can’t have kids until they’re financially stable but that’s not the real reason. Do I tell her? It’s not fair for her to live according to an empty promise. Is it? Why do I need to repeat it? Will it help anyone? Will it cause more problems? Will I just alienate myself in the end?

2.) My sister told my hubby that she got married because she promised our dad she’d marry someone within a year of him passing away. She didn’t have many options so she married the ‘best option.’ Now I wonder whether she’s happy. Why did she tell him and not me. Do I do anything? Why did he tell me and then gag me? What am I supposed to do? She told him in confidence, he told me in secrecy. I am bound. Stuck! What was the point of any of this ‘sharing’?

3.) He’s told his cousin that although he’s promised his wife he’s given up smoking, he smokes whenever he can. His cousin’s told his wife and she’s told me. She wouldn’t have married him if she knew he was lying to her on a constant basis. Do I tell her? Will it serve anyone?

4.) She’s told her sister that she doesn’t want to live with her brother and sister in law. Her sister’s told my hubby and he’s told me. Now what? She’s going into something that she really doesn’t want to do. I must help her.

Over the recent months I’ve learned that sharing these types of secrets and opinions rarely serves anyone.

• You may be playing into the hands of someone who’s manipulating a few people through you.
• You may burn bridges in a way that makes them beyond repair.
• The source of your information may have misheard, misunderstood or got so caught up in their own feelings about it, they’ve remembered it wrongly. Repeating information which isn’t accurate is dangerous in itself.
• If approached and asked will you reveal your source and ‘dob them in’?
• You can be a good listener if that serves and then ‘throw it away’ so you don’t get caught up or dragged in to it.

What do you think? Is it possible? Am I on the wrong track?

In comparison to other stuff, I’ve not thought about this much. I recall having a conversation with someone about people who feel the need to have an affair. It was a long time ago! Then, we both agreed that there must be a reason that they are looking elsewhere and that both people in the relationship would need to take some responsibility for the unhappiness that was in the air. Whether they act on that urge or not is a different thing altogether.

Since then I remember hearing someone say that regardless of what’s going on they didn’t have to make that choice and be unfaithful. Of course, that is true!

I also recall thinking that looking at a guy or gal and thinking they’re gorgeous is one thing. However, to play a fantasy in my mind or indulge in thinking about them, for me, would constitute an emotional affair and therefore not OK. The fantasy doesn’t need to be sensual. It could be thinking about how life would be with them in terms of stability, banter, intelligent conversation, the pace of life etc.

OK so that gives you some idea of what I think about it. The reason I am writing about it is because of a few things I’ve been told recently by friends and others.

I was on the tube and two friends were having a full blown conversation about it. Here’s what they had to say: -

People cheat because they have issues in their relationship and it leads to having an affair

It’s a big headache. I wanted to be faithful to this one and I managed it but it didn’t work out!

She had so many issues. You just chose the wrong person to be faithful to.

I should just pimp myself and be free.

No I’m disappointed to hear you say that. You’re better than that. You just have to try again. You will find the right person.

That conversation in itself was interesting. I don’t know if he will cheat or have an open relationship until he finds ‘the one’ worth being faithful to but unless both parties are OK with it, it wont end nicely will it? Would you be fine if you found out your partner had lots of women on the sly because he wanted to find out which one was right for him. However, now he’s decided you’re the one so he wont do anything with anyone else from now on!

On another occasion not so long ago we were at a wedding and we were having a laugh with some of the guests. The conversation changed because one of them referred to his girlfriend. One of them then told me that she’s not really a girlfriend because he tells girls what they want to hear, gets what he wants and then goes back for more until he’s bored. His longest relationship’s been 5 months or so and his motto is to ‘tap and leave’! He said all his mates are the same or worse.

I know there are men AND women who think like that but hearing all that wasn’t the best!

A few weeks ago, I got a call from a friend out of the blue. On a few different occasions he’s told me that ‘marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be’. I didn’t read much into it at the time. This time he told me that when people feel low they need to get away and have a dirty weekend! ‘That will fix everything!’ He told me he went away for the weekend to watch some kind of match and ended up drinking a fair bit afterwards. One thing led to another and he ended up sleeping with someone. He feels rejuvenated and has no guilt.

His justification for this was that he loves his kids and doesn’t want to move from one person to another just because he’s bored so he has an affair now and again instead. He said he thinks his wife probably goes out and gets off with people and is fine with that thought.

I’m not sure how to end this post!

Is it so hard to stay faithful?

Is it so difficult to abstain?

Is it impossible to be content?

This post is nothing to do with me. I have to give compete credit to Tina Su who’s written it and shared it on Think Simple Now

Can you recall the last time you were really angry at someone? So much so that you were physically shaken just at the thought of them? Rarely does this feeling of anger help us in getting what we want. Often, it will work against us, resulting in more pain, unnecessarily.

Even the most gentle of personalities can temporarily turn into a vindictive rascal, if pushed far enough.

A friend of mine is going through a divorce with a spouse who is unreasonably prolonging the process. He’s sad, hurt, upset, frustrated and very, very angry. Words of anger and hatred spout out of his – otherwise polite and thoughtful – mouth. He was no longer his authentic and peaceful self. And he didn’t like who he was becoming.

Through helping him come to a place of understanding and forgiveness of his ex-spouse with love, compassion and humility (we had to dig deep), I realized that the same tools can be used in dealing with other negative emotions.

For sake of simplicity, we will use anger as the target emotion to overcome. Keep in mind that it can be applied to overcome other non-conducive and intense emotions such as jealousy, guilt, hatred, regret and fear.

Why Do We Feel Like Crap?

“It’s amazing how much emotion

a little mental concept like ‘my’ can generate.“

- Eckhart Tolle

Anger doesn’t feel very good. It’s pretty gross, actually. Our stomach tightens-up, we become sweaty, we react – instead of act – in survival mode. And anger clouds our judgment causing us to respond wildly out of emotion. We’ve all been there. Sometimes, it can get so intense that we tremble passionately while feeling strong hate towards other people. And when we cool down, we would wonder how we allowed ourselves to get in such a messed up state in the first place.

The answer is: Very easily. Allow me to explain.

Emotion is our body’s response to a thought, which could be triggered by an external situation. But this situation is seen through the lens of our own interpretation. Our lens is colored by the mental concepts unique to each of us; concepts like good and bad, mine and yours, like and dislike, right and wrong. Keep in mind we all have different lenses, thus interpretation conflicts are inevitable.

For example, we feel very little emotion when someone else loses their wallet. But when it is our own money, we suddenly feel pain and the desire to hoard it back to us.

The moment we’ve labeled something as “mine”, we will experience mental distress when we’ve interpreted that we have ‘lost’ it or are at the risk of losing it. Whether it is my wallet, my pride, my money, my house, my car, my job, my child, my stocks, my feelings or my dog, as long as we feel that it is lost or threatened, we will experience pain in the form of anger or other strong negative emotions.

We experience pain, because we have been trained since children to believe that the things which we have labeled as ‘mine’, are something that define who we are. We’ve identified with it and falsely believed that if we lost it, or face losing it, we lose ourselves. Suddenly, our ego has nothing to identify itself by. Who are we? This hurts our ego tremendously.

In our minds, we feel entitled to more, whether it is more money, or more respect, or a better job, or a larger house. Amongst it all, we fail to see that our mind will always want more. Greed is a highly addictive state of mind, always growing, blinding us of reality, while convincing us that we’re doing a reasonable thing.

Common Ingredients of Anger:

• Unfairness – We believe that we have been treated unfairly. We tell ourselves that we deserve more, and we buy into this story that someone has wronged us.

• Lost – We feel that we have lost something that we have identified ourselves with. Feelings, pride, money, car, job.

• Blame – We blame other people or external situations for having caused our loss, for taking advantage of us unfairly. The blame often only resides in our heads and is a product of our imagination. We fail to see things from other people’s perspectives. We become deeply selfish.

• Pain – We experience pain, mental distress, and anxiety. The pain causes physical responses in our body, which disturbs our natural energy flow and state of wellbeing.

• Focus – We focus on the thing we don’t want, and energize it by complaining about it passionately, and repeating it to as many people who will listen. This creates a downward spiral of anger. “What we focus on expands”, this is true regardless of the emotion.

The interesting thing is that if there are two angry people unhappy with each other, both people feel a sense of loss, unfairness, pain and the need to blame the other person. Who is right? The answer is: both are right and both are wrong.

Why Should We Bother with Overcoming Anger?

Negative emotions like anger kick us into survival mode, as if saying to our body, “we are in danger”. There is a physiological change that takes place in our body to prepare us for fight or flight. These physical responses disrupt the natural flow of energy in our body – affecting our heart, immune system, digestion and hormone production. A negative emotion is therefore toxic to the body and interferes with its harmonious functioning and balance.

Prolonged anger, stress and holding grudges will hurt our adrenal gland and immune system. For women, stress on the adrenal gland can affect the reproductive organs (uterus, ovaries) causing them to exhibit abnormal behaviors, potentially resulting in sterility.

Aren’t your physical and mental health worth more than the mental pressure you are voluntarily piling onto yourself? Is it worth it to react out of spiteful emotions and hurt feelings, so that we might temporarily satisfy our pride?

Anger also clouds our judgment and we become consumed with problems and pain. Instead of cutting ourselves loose, free from the self-inflicted pain; we make irrational, unreasonable, regretful and hurtful decisions. In the case of divorces, the legal fees alone can drain one’s savings, unnecessarily leaving both parties unhappy and poor. Nobody wins!

The Fundamentals of Change

Notice how quickly we can fall into a negative state of being? A split second, maybe. By the same reasoning it should take us the same amount of time to shift into a resourceful state of being. The challenge here is that we have been conditioned from a very young age to remain in an un-resourceful state. Nobody gave us the tools to shift our state into a positive one. Often, our parents didn’t know how, and still do not know how.

When negative feelings arise, we have two choices,

1. To follow the habitual pattern we’ve learned since we were young, to react and allow the negativity to consume us.

2. Or, to interrupt the pattern we have been conditioned to follow, and in doing so build new neural pathways that allows for alternative possibilities.

There are essentially three ways to interrupt a behavioral pattern:

• Visual – Change your thoughts.

• Verbal – Change your language.

• Kinesthetic – Change your physical position.

Okay, let’s dive into the practical stuff…

15 Ways to Overcome Anger

Some of these tools might be more effective for some of us than others. For me, “Look Up!!” has been the most effective (thus, I’m listing it first). I’ve also seen good results where several of these are used in combination.

1. Look Up!!!

The fastest way to change negative feelings is by changing our physical position right away. The easiest way to physically change is by moving our eye position. When we are in a negative state, we are likely looking down. Suddenly looking up (into our visual plane) will interrupt the negative patterns of sinking into the quick sand of bad feelings.

Any sudden physical change will do the trick:

• Stand up and stretch while letting out an audible sigh.

• Exaggerate and change your facial expressions.

• Walk over to a window where there is sunlight.

• Do 10 jumping jacks.

• Do a ridiculous dance that pokes fun at you.

• Massage the back of your neck with one hand while singing happy birthday.

Try this next time you feel a negative or unpleasant thought come up.

2. “What Do You Want?”

Sit down and write down exactly what it is that you want out of the current situation. Your job is to describe the end result you would like to see. Be clear, realistic and fair. Be specific with your description. Including dates of when you would like to see the results.

Once you have this clearly mapped out, and when you find yourself drifting into negative thoughts of what you don’t want, you can shift your focus on this list instead.

Also, when we do this exercise consciously, we’ll come to find that the arbitrary and materialistic things that we thought we wanted, aren’t want we want, after all. Clarity is a beautiful thing.

3. Eliminate: Don’t, Not, No

Words such as Don’t, Not, No, Can’t gets us focused on the things that we don’t want. Language is a powerful thing and can influence our subconscious mind, and ultimately our feelings. When you catch yourself using a negated word, see if you can replace it with another word of opposing meaning. Example: instead of saying “I don’t want war”, say “I want peace”.

4. Finding the Light

Darkness can only be eliminated when there is light (like a lamp, or sunlight). In the same way, negative things can only be replaced by positive things. Remember that regardless of what is happening to us externally, or how bad things appear in our mind, we always have the choice to speak and see things positively.

I know this is harder to do when you’re in midst of heated emotions, but I’m a big believer that there is something to be learned from every situation we encounter. Look for the lesson. Find something about the situation that you’ve gained, whether it’s a material possession or an understanding or a personal growth. Find the light so you can uncover the darkness of your mind.

5. Surrender

Surrender to our ego’s need to be right, to blame, to be spiteful, and to be revengeful. Surrender to the moment. Surrender to the pull to become worked-up by the situation.

Become mindful. Watch your thoughts and learn to separate your thoughts from your own identity. Your thoughts are not you.

Things will play out regardless of whether we become emotional or not. Trust that the universe will work its course and do its job. By not surrendering, we get worked up for nothing, and our body will suffer as a result of it.

6. Circle of Influence

When we are feeling down, it’s easy to be sucked into the downward spiral of bad feelings. It really doesn’t help to be around others complaining about the same issues. It’s counter-productive to getting well.

Instead, find a group of people with a positive outlook. When we are around such a group of people, they will remind us of things we already know deep within us, we can start to recognize the good, and the positives. When we are down, we can draw energy from them in order to rise above the problem and negative state.

In the same way that being around negative people can affect you in a negative way, being around happy and optimistic people can raise our awareness, and help us move out of the un-resourceful state.

7. Gratitude Exercise

Find an uninterrupted space, and bring a notepad and pen with you. List out (in as much detail) everything you are grateful for in your life, either in the past, or present; either experiences, relationships, friendships, opportunities or material possessions. Fill up the page, and use as many pages as you have things to be thankful for. Be sure to thank your heart and your body.

This is a simple, yet underestimated tool to help us focus our attention on what matters. This exercise can also shift our state of mind from one of a lower frequency to that of a higher frequency. It also helps us to gain clarity and to remind ourselves that we have much to be thankful for.

No matter how bad things get, we always, always have things to be grateful for. If anything, we have the opportunity of life, in which we have the freedom to grow, to learn, to help others, to create, to experience, to love.

I’ve also found it particularly effective to add silent meditation for 5-10 minutes prior, and visualizing everything on your gratitude list after the gratitude exercise. Try it for yourself!

8. Meditation

Meditation is training for the mind; to calm the noise in our mental space, to lower our thought count, to draw out inner wisdom, and mostly it helps us to recognize and remain anchored in our divine state.

Regardless of what is happening external to us, we have the capacity to remain centered, in a state of acceptance, of flow, of peace, and of love. When we are in this state, we are rational and have the clarity we need to handle any situation with grace, and with minimal stress on our body.

9. Breathing Relaxation Techniques

Most of us are shallow breathers, and air only stays in the top of our lungs. Deep breathing exercises will get more oxygen into our brains, and into the rest of our body. Try this:

• Sit up straight in your chair, or stand up.

• Loosen up clothing, especially if your stomach feels tight.

• Inhale through your nose. Exhale through your mouth.

• Put one hand on your abdominal area (over your belly).

• When you inhale, feel your hand expanding as air is filled up in your diaphragm.

• When you exhale, feel your hand retracting to the initial placement.

• Count in your mind the number of inhales and exhales, and gradually level them off such that both take equal counts.

• Slowly, add a count to your exhale.

• Keep adding a count to your exhale until the count for exhales doubles that of the count for inhales.

• Repeat this breathing rhythm for 5 to 10 times.

• Keep your eyes closed in silence for a few minutes afterwards.

10. Laughter!

We cannot laugh and be upset at the same time. When we make the physical movement required to laugh or smile, we instantly feel light-hearted and joyful.

Try it now: give me that beautiful smile of yours. I want a genuine and large smile now! J How do you feel? Do you feel an instant jolt of joy? Did you temporarily forget about your problems?

List out a series of movies that make you laugh and stock them up at home. Or meet up with a humorous friend who can really get you laughing. For my friend going through the divorce, I prescribed Episode 10 of “Survivor Gabon”, he laughed until his stomach hurt and told me the next day that he slept very well, without once thinking about the negativity that would otherwise trigger anger.

11. Forgiveness

For my little vindictive rascals out there, I know the idea to forgive your ‘enemy’ sounds counter-intuitive. The longer you hold on to the grudge, the more painful emotions you will experience, the more turbulence you are putting on your body, the more damage you are inflicting on your long-term health and wellness.

Unable to forgive someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. And there’s no way around it.

12. Snap a Rubber Band

Wear an elastic/rubber band around your wrist, at all times. Every time you find yourself having a thought that would lead to a downward negative cycle, snap the rubber band. It might sting a little. But this actually trains our mind to avoid triggering those thoughts. Pain is an amazing motivator.

13. Identify and Eliminate Your Triggers

Sit down and brainstorm a list of reminders and activities that will trigger this negative emotion in us. It might be hearing the word ‘divorce’, or someone’s name, or going to a particular restaurant.

Commit to yourself to eliminate the mentioning of these triggers from your life. If we know something will upset us, why would we bother triggering it?

14. Identify What Anger Brings

List all the things that you’ve gained as a result of being angry. When you’re done, go down this list and count the number of positive things that are actually conducive to your wellbeing. By the way, “making the other person suffer and feel pain” does not count as “conducive to your wellbeing”.

This exercise helps us bring more awareness, rationality and clarity into the situation.

15. Seek Closure. Solve the Problem

To the best of your ability, do not drag anything on for the sake of “winning” or “being right”; it’s not healthy for anyone involved.

Just because we surrender to the external events and choose not to give them any more attention, does not mean that we sit back passively to let others step all over us.

Take action that will help you move onto the next step, and closer to resolution. Be proactive and thoughtful. The faster you can get the problem resolved, the quicker you can set yourself free, mentally.