This is quite a personal post. I debated whether to write it or not but something feels right about it so here I go!

Recently my uncle’s mum passed away. I felt blessed to support them. No offence intended but I didn’t know her very well, so when I was thinking about attending the funeral I was only thinking about my role in supporting my family and not about how if could affect me.

The thing is, I got quite wound up before we got there because, in my mind, we were late! I thought of many reasons why this was an issue but I’m not sure they were accurate.

Anyway we went inside and I sat near my family. Various people gave speeches, we prayed etc. and then it was time to press the button for the coffin to be taken to the back where it is cremated. I saw my uncle’s face and I remember what I felt when my father passed away. I had been very tearful but now it was worse! You see it was all in my subconscious. I hadn’t consciously realised that I hadn’t been to Golders Green Crematorium since my father passed away! I’d attended 2/3 other funerals but they were in Hendon, Leicester or Luton so although I was affected by the experience, it wasn’t AS bad.

You see when my dad passed away I spoke to those who came and then I was told to press this button. I didn’t know what it was for! When the coffin started moving all I wanted to do was run and stop it. I had so many thoughts going through my head. I had to be strong for my mum. It would unsettle the audience if I ran over to my dad’s body. Could I stop it in time? I should just remain calm and go through it.

Anyway it disappeared and my mum and her friend said that I should go to where dad’s body will be cremated. Usually it’s the men who go but because I’m the only child, they said I should go. This was the same re when we brought the coffin in. They said I should go and help bring it in. ‘After all you’re the son and daughter.’

Sorry I’ve gone off track. When I was at my uncle’s mum’s funeral I couldn’t stop crying. After it finished I held it together so that I could leave. However, they’d announced that those who travelled far and the immediate family should come to the house and have some food. When I was outside my mum said I could come and it would be OK. In my head I justified not going because they wouldn’t have catered for so many people and they said that only immediate family and those who travelled far should attend. I was neither. So I left but I was so uptight in the car. I just needed to be somewhere safe where I could let go.

Once I did let go I couldn’t stop. Suraj helped me realise that it was because of the venue! He knew I’d been to other funerals since my dad passed away so he asked if I’d been to Golders Green Crematorium. Of course that was it! I hadn’t been there since 2000! Since dad’s funeral.

Isn’t it amazing how subconscious the mind can be? How important a place can be and how if can affect the way you feel! Do you have any similar stories to share?

Take care

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phil selzer · July 18, 2012 at 8:11 am

i know what you mean. i live at home with my father and a couple months ago i found him passed away in his chair. if you want to hear, i would be happy to tell/vent to someone. just not interested in typing if no one will read it. thank you for your story it softened my heart a little this evening. take care god bless.

    Heena Modi · July 18, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    Thanks for sharing Phil 🙂
    Do share whatever feels right and comfortable for you. I would be happy to read it.
    If there is a delay in replying do forgive, I wont be able to check comments for a while but I look forward to reading it within a few weeks, when it’s possible again. : )

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