This post has been inspired by a few friends of mine who are going through or have been through a ‘tricky’ patch with their partner.
Let’s look at some scenarios. I will portray a simplistic outline of the situation that I know about. I am aware that there are 2 sides to every story. I guess, nobody will ever know the whole truth, in any situation.
In my mind, gender isn’t important. Actions are the same regardless of gender. Thus I refer to the people as x and y
- x comes home later and later everyday.
- They fear coming home due to the questioning they’ll face
- They pretend they were late due to transport issues
- They were out doing the very things they promised they’d give up to make their relationship work
- They’ve taken out a loan without their partner knowing
- x pretends to go away on conferences
- x waited til the child was born and then acted on their frustrations and began an affair
- x got found out after ‘getting spotted’ otherwise it would have carried on
- x now says the affair is y’s fault
- x pretends to go to work
- x left their phone lying around
- y heard it ‘ping’ with a text
- y saw the text and then went through older ones
- y found months of romantic, intimate, explicit messages between x and z
- x and y have a 1 year old child
- x is violent towards y
- x gives y a specific amount of money each day which covers bus fare only
- x handles all paperwork
- x handles all financial issues
- x wont release y in the evening to meet the needs of their child
- x demeans y in front of y’s family and their child
- x sends all their income to their parents
- x’s partner and kids are left with very little money
- y has to feed the children rice with salt to flavour it as they don’t have money for vegetables
- x wont entertain the idea of giving the parents less money so the partner and kids had a little more money to eat better
So which of these are OK?
All the situations highlight lies, broken trust, some form of adult abuse, neglect, emotional abuse of a child/children or neglecting children. Could you forgive or forget?
I am not saying that partners are disposable and we should get rid of them at the first sign of trouble or when we find something we dislike. However, there are some things which take you to a place you can’t return from.
If the damage is irreversible and the couple have a child; wont the child will be worse off if he/she lives with both parents who stay together regardless of being unhappy? If the child witnesses a lack of trust, lack of care, lack of duty, lack of intimacy; will they not pick up on it and be scarred? Will their idea of relationships be warped? Will it affect their self esteem?
Children are so impressionable.
Are you doing the right thing if you stay with your partner for the sake of the kids IF you’ve reached the point of no return with him/her?
I did some research on links between domestic violence and child abuse at the NSPCC a few years ago. The results showed a link.
Many authors explain that children who witness sexual, emotional or physical domestic violence, suffer emotional abuse themselves. This is over and above any direct abuse or neglect that they may or may not experience.